I saw Green Lantern

admin | June 29, 2011 in Randomly | Comments (0)

Green shit everywhere.  From start to end, green is everywhere, like herpes on a hood rat.  But what do you expect when the title has GREEN in it.  Here is a synopsis of the green movie.

This movie was actually pretty bad ass.  Everyone told me, “this movie sucks, go punt a seal instead.”  I said to them, “cool story, bro” and went and saw it anyways.  I left the theater with a feeling of glee, but not that gay singing type of glee, the type you get when you first saw Optimus Prime.

The movie started off with Ryan Reynolds as a badass, doesn’t play by the rules, jet pilot.  And seriously, rules mean nothing to him, just like girls feelings.  He is quite rude to women, but women should expect that from men anyways.  The cool part was when he was up against these 2 drone jets and him and his main bitch were supposed to take them down.  He sacrificed her ass to take down them jets, but ends up having a bad acid trip about his dead dad and crashes the plane.  Apparently his dad thought it was cool to die in plane crashes, and Hal Jordan wasn’t ready for that badassery yet.

Skip forward to glowing green shit.  Glowing green shit takes Hal Jordan to an alien and the alien is all “I got you a present, it’s a green ring lol” and Hal is like “wtf, this is against my religion”.  Hal’s husband then dies, and he then buries the purple people eater under rocks.  The feds find the body and Hal talks bat shit crazy to a lantern and is then taken to the planet of the ring via green.  He then finds out he can make anything he want with the ring and then makes a huge dildo and penetrates Glenn Beck’s ass.  Sinestro then spits on Hal’s face and Hal goes home crying like a baby bitch to his trick. Then he saves her from dieing a retarded death and she freaks the fuck out cause Hal is in a green suit with the gayest mask ever and questions his sexuality.

Oh when the feds found the alien, this fucking loser ass scientist investigates the body and then this yellow laffy taffy motherfucker takes over his body and turns him into a walking tumor that can throw shit.  Hal fights this doucher, but then suddenly HUGE FUCKING YELLOW/BLACK MONSTER OUT OF NO WHERE.  Hal ends up making him follow him to the sun because apparently huge yellow things have no common sense whatsoever and he then says “lol your dad sucked at jets” and dies.  Hal is saved and Sinestro is like “sorry, you are actually cool, join my club”.

If you like superheroes, green, and movies, you will like this one.  A great way to  make this better though is for Hal Jordan to get into a weird fetish phase where he gets his kicks from making his ring create that stupid Geico girl, and beating her.

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